Secrets of Communication

 

            Who reading this is in a relationship? Or ever wondered what being in a relationship is like? It is awesome, beautiful, strengthening, beautiful, hard, and an important work. Being in a relationship is truly something to look forward to, for those who haven’t been in one before, but it is not what’s shown in the movies. Even if it were, don’t you think we could do a little better than what we see on the screen? In the movies or tv, or even with reality tv, what happens when a couple gets in a fight? It’s dramatic, loud, “passionate”, and often hurts the other persons feels. They end getting into a bigger fight, needing space, and some even break up (generally speaking). Is that something we really want for our relationships?

              As I entered into a serious relationship, I started to see how toxic our media can make relationships look like. Some even portray that the most desired relationships are where people fight often but rarely come to mutual decisions. Growing up I never saw a problem with it, but now as I am engaged and planning my whole life around someone, I do not want that. I want a relationship where we have open communication, a loving dialogue, and respect towards each other’s hopes and opinions. Wanting something and getting is two different things. The movies don’t show that to have a healthy relationship, it requires work, thoughtfulness, and commitment. It requires humility to admit you’re wrong when you do or say something that upsets the other person. No matter how happy you are in the relationship, there will always be times where you upset the other person.

              Disagreements will come, large decisions will need to be made, and there will always be room for improvements within yourself and within the relationship. When those disagreement come, what’s the protocol? How do you have effective communication? If communication goes poorly, how do you come back from a communication mistake? In my studies this week I found something called the 5 secrets of effective communication. These secrets are to help communication go more smoothly between couples, but really anyone, when discussing something. It’s so quick to bring up a comment and then to launch right into a disagreement. These steps should help!

              Step One: The Disarming Technique. In this step the most important thing is to actively listen to what they other person is saying, humble yourself, and find the truth in whatever statement or problem is being addressed. There will be arguments where the other person’s thoughts may seem unfair, that’s normal, but even if it were, there’s still a seed of truth, find it and address it.

              Step Two: Empathy. Feel what they’re saying, try to feel what they’re feeling. Then express it by acknowledge who they feel and paraphrase what they’ve said.

              Step Three: Inquiry. Ask questions. Although we may think we know everything, we often don’t. So, ask, ask for more information to determine even more what they’re thinking and feeling.

              Step Four: “I Feel” Statements. Express how you’re feeling. This is not a statement where you say anything like “you’re wrong” or “you’re making me so mad”. Instead, it’s comments such as, “I feel” embarrassed, or frustrated, or sad, etc.

              Step Five: Stroking. This is where after all is said and done, you find what you love, admire, or respect about them in relation to whatever you’re discussing. Positivity can change everything. Acknowledging your partner can help them feel that even though you disagree, it doesn’t change your love for them.

              Moral of this week’s blog is to humble yourself and strive to understand your partner. Assumptions will never lead to anything good. Don’t shy away from disagreements, see them as an opportunity to love your partner, to learn more about them, and to grow together. Any thoughts from the readers?

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